Stupid Christmas trees

Stupid Christmas trees

I am irked by the holidays.  I’d go so far as to say I hate Christmas, but I think God would be angry and I can’t have that.

I have a fake Christmas tree on my front porch.  It’s a hand me down from my mother.  I already had very nice compact tree for the inside of the house so this big tall one got relegated to outdoor decoration.  And amazingly, it gets lots of compliments from the neighbors who enjoy seeing a big 10’ Christmas tree all lit with multicolored lights and metallic bows.   Now, not only because of the God thing but also because the neighbors expect it, I have to put that frickin’ tree up every year.  I go to war with this tree every December.

I got new lights this year. I thought I would do something nice for it and it might return the favor.  About 2000 tiny jewel colored flickering lights in the night.  At least for a few hours and then they sputter out.  I’ve change the fuses now three times.  I’ve changed the way they link together so that they don’t.  Each strand has its own independent extension cord.  Wires flow from under the tree skirt.  Very high tech.  I fear I can only keep the lights on for about four hours at a time and then they blow out.  I’m so irritated with the outdoor tree I could cry.  I don’t even move the ladder back to the garage any more.  It’s on standby.

The indoor tree has proved just as uncooperative this year.  It’s a conspiracy of ornamentation.  It’s a prelit tree which came with now lost guarantees.  I stacked it up and plugged it in and several of the strands don’t work this year.  So off to Target for replacement lights.  A couple hours later and it’s up and down the ladder filling the voids.

My faith in the indoor tree is lost so I won’t decorate it.  It’s a naked tree.  As soon as I hang something on it, I know a strand will go out and I won’t be able to do anything if balls are on it.

The last few days I walk into the living room, glare at the tree and challenge it to screw me over.  Then I hold my breath and plug it in.  Whatever relief I may experience when the lights turn on is short-lived as I realize I need to walk to the porch and have a show down with Tree Number Two.

Considering my investment of time, these trees are staying up until Valentine’s Day.

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