Merry Christmas my children, I give you me

Merry Christmas my children, I give you me

This Christmas I decided to give my children my office.  I’m completely redecorating with desks and bookshelves, lots of space for school projects and floor to ceiling whiteboards.  It’s costing more money than I have , but it really has to be done.  My kids are struggling at school.

I openly stressed about the money and the transition to my mother over the holidays.  She completely missed my bigger issues which makes sense because she is a woman of another generation.  My open stressing rendered no support, instead some small condemnation.

My mother suggested I was redecorating because I like to do that sort of thing.  She suggested that I not make financial expenditures which could deprive my children.  This was merely a luxury I should forego.

She was missing big points and I couldn’t convince her otherwise.  She was a stay at home mom most of her life.  She married my dad when she was 21 and raising children was all she ever knew.

My kids have me for only a couple of hours every night – for homework, dinner, chat and cuddling.  They are now at an age where they need space to open books and make projects. The three of them share a single, small bedroom. They need my office space more than I do.  My single, imposing desk which accommodates one will not help the four of us muddle through the three Rs.  No question:  they need a functioning room and the expense is just one of those things I’m going to have to shoulder.

But the bigger heartache in all this is losing my office.  I had an occupation and a profession which gave me satisfaction and independence.  I had barely begun marketing myself and enjoying the thrill that comes with building a business.  I’m turning my back on that, giving it away to the three people I love the most who depend on me for everything. . . and it hurts.  It hurts to realize I’m not that zippy independent professional I once thought I could be.  Calling the shots from my seat of power, making things happen and influencing the world.  I’m simply not important in that way and handing off my office seals that fate and acknowledges my own impotence in the adult world of movers and shakers.  It’s really quite sad.  I could feel like a failure except that I see this step as one toward creating success in other areas, other more important areas, like the development of children.

This really is their time.  I suspect my time is over, my arc has ended.  Whatever chances I had to “be something” have now dissolved except in ways that pertain to or at least include consideration of the kids.  I’m really ok with that.  It’s an adjustment period certainly, but I feel triumphant in that it was a hard decision. . .  and I only hesitated about two days to make it.

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