Tag Archives: Sam

The price of peace

The price of peace

Target, the parking lot.  Me and my troops.

“OK,” I say generously, evenly, not betraying my entire lack of confidence in what I’m about to say.  “We are going inside Target.  We are going to do this fast.  I have a headache.  We are late.  You have been awful for the last hour and it ends now or no movie, no pizza, no fun.  We will leave.  Understand?”

Three heads bob in affirmation from the backseat.

“OK, hit it.”

We are out of the car and walking with purpose.  First stop:  Alleve.  I really do have a headache.  While I am calculating cost per pill for the economy size, they start in.  Sam has decided to push over all the pill boxes.  Calvin decided to discipline him.  I grab the largest box imaginable and escape to the pizze aisle.  Cost to keep Calvin from corporally punishing Sam:  $15.75.

Here things got weird.  All three boys want a different four cheese pizza.  Like the difference is nuanced and discernible to a boy who picks his nose.  A small skirmish breaks out and Calvin says if we don’t get his pizza he’s not going to eat – ever.  Jack says he must have rising crust because the other is flat like cardboard.  Sam says he must have the thin smear of tomato sauce between the cheese topping and the crust just like in the picture or he’ll throw up.  I can’t take it.  All three pizzas go in.  Cost to avert vomit:  $18.00.

Off to dvds in spite of my threats.  This is only because we are going to the Boyfriend Candidate’s house and if the kids don’t have something kid-like to do they will act like themselves and I can’t have that.  All the moveis stink and we already have every other G/PG film out there.  We end up with two B level movies.  Why? Because they are fighting about it, playing two against one games.  “We want the owl movie, and two against one.  We win.”  The older boys taunting the baby.  I got both movies.  Cost to avoid years of therapy for Sam: $45.

At this point, I want out.  I need to get these belligerent, ill-behaved, disrespectful, spiteful angels over to the BC’s house where he’s likely to take one look at all of the chaos and reconsider his relationship with me.  The evening has taken a turn for the crazy and it hasn’t started yet.

Going into Target I thought we’d do a quick driveby.  $30 and done.  Nope.  Keeping the peace cost right under $100.  A babysitter would have been a helluva lot cheaper.  And I might have maintained my sanity.

New Year’s Revolutions

New Year’s Revolutions

My kids and I have been discussing the resolutions we want to make.  I think goals are a good idea.  I think that reviewing where you are and thinking about ways you’d like to change or improve can only be a good thing.  We take the whole first week of the New Year to think about it since being on time or being prepared has never been a resolution.

So my Sam says, “I want a revolution too.”

“That’s ‘resolution’ little guy, but I like your spirit.”

“I want my revolution to be eating more dessert and less school.  I like school, but I don’t want to go to school.”

Which makes perfect sense to me.  For my part I’m going to try embracing holidays.  I really do hate them.  The older I get, the more cynical I become, every single holiday feels like an orchestrated event to get us to spend money and buy advertising space and humiliate ourselves trying to sing unsingable songs.  And with small children, the holidays cannot be dodged.  The decorating, the obligatory gift giving and card sending . . . it all makes me crazy.  Crazy with exhaustion and that feeling that I’ll never get a grip on it.  I’m always behind.

So this year, I’m getting in front of the holidays.  Every month there is some opportunity, and we are going to celebrate.  We are going to celebrate every damn holiday if it kills me.  We are going to have fun dammit.   That means decorating, a small gift exchange, food and some social activity for the whole family.  I will even hang the appropriate flag outside our front door as evidence of my holiday spirit. Ugh.

Which brings me to the first holiday.  Martin Luther King Day.  What on earth does one do for this holiday?  I’m being challenged right out of the gate.  How do you decorate to integrate?  Is there equality food?  What does a freedom gift exchange look like?  All I can think of is that we each take a portion of King’s great speeches and read them aloud.  And while that might sound educational and beautiful, come on, it’s lame!  My resolve is being tested only two weeks into the New Year.

I won’t be tripped up though.  I’ve got the glow of a New Year’s Resolution all over me and I will not fail.  I’ll probably lose that last ten pounds by then too.  Who am I kidding?

All he wants for Christmas are his three front teeth

All he wants for Christmas are his three front teeth

Christmas light update:  they are still working.  I think we have a truce.

My youngest son, when he was about a year old, was going up the bunk bed ladder and fell down.  His mouth took the brunt of the fall and probably hit more than a couple steps on the way down.  By the time I got to his screaming little self there was blood gushing from his mouth.  I could see his top front teeth positioned in completely unnatural ways.  I had visions of the ER and a long night with a suffering baby.

I paged the pediatric dentist.  She called me back right away even though she was at a cocktail party.  She told me just to move the teeth back where they belonged.  I was stunned.  I was actually driving the car around in circles not knowing if I needed to meet her at her office or go to the hospital.  Instead she sent me home.

I did as I was told and it worked.  I put the teeth back.  Got a cold compress and saved his teeth.  For about two years.  Then he came home from daycare, smiled and his upper teeth were gone.  They had broken at the gum line.  No one saw how or when it happened.  He didn’t have an accident.  I can only assume they were fractured from the long ago fall and that was the day they decided to fall out.

The roots of those teeth had to be removed.  The broken bits were sharp.  Which Sam misunderstood to mean “shark” like he had “shark teeth” which wasn’t an entirely bad description.  We were at a maxillofacial surgeon’s office to get that done.  They don’t like using general anesthesia on babies so they used all locals to remove the teeth.  Sam takes after me in that he does not respond to painkillers.  The meds didn’t really work.  He didn’t dose off and he screamed like murder during the procedure.  The roots of these baby teeth were half an inch long.  The doctors had to physically pull me from the room while I was screaming I had a right to be with my minor son.

My now ex-husband told me I needed to mind the doctors.  I was disruptive, a distraction.  I should have divorced him then.

When my son was in recovery I went in.  He was literally like a caged feral animal.  He hissed at me.  The nurses told me not to worry because the meds caused a type of amnesia.  He wouldn’t remember a thing.  But I would.  I toss an imaginary grenade every time I drive by that office.

All of this is to explain why my son doesn’t speak well:  he has no upper teeth.   And because of that he says the cutest things.  He can’t say “you’re welcome”  for instance.  It comes out “I’m Malcolm.”

“Thank you Sam!”

“I’m Malcolm Mama!”

I just love that.  That’s really all I wanted to say.

It’s a big adventure

It’s a big adventure

I was laying down with my youngest little boy tonight.

Me:        You use to be so little!

Sam:      One day I’ll be 100 years old!

Me:        Make it 150!

Sam:      And you’ll be dead!

Me:        Maybe I’ll die on a big adventure….

Sam:      Like in the desert.  I don’t want you to die.

Me:        I promise I won’t die until you don’t need me any more.

Sam:      I’ll always need you, so you’ll always be here?

Me:        For as long as you need me!

I started thinking.  And I’ll let you in on a secret:  I think in weird loops so here goes.  I started thinking it’s interesting that children see the end of your life story, not the beginning.  I see the beginning of theirs, but if everything goes the way it’s suppose to, I’ll never know how their story ends.  Thinking about my children dying then made me wonder why I had them in the first place.  Thinking of them dying, maybe in pain, maybe alone…. ugh.

So from there I went to thinking that’s a good reason for me to tell my childless friends why their occasional doubts about their decision (or unintended consequence) to stay childless is really ok:  you don’t ever have to ponder your children dying.

Then I had a mental argument with myself.

Me:        Dying, so what?  The joy that your children will feel will far overwhelm any pain or anguish that comes into their lives.

Me2:     That’s bullshit.  Where in your life experience can you say your joy has surpassed your anguish?

Me:        OK.  That’s a good point.  It does seem like the stress and anguish far  outweigh the joy.  But maybe that’s because anguish happens to you and you have to get off your ass and create joy.  Joy doesn’t just happen.  It takes effort.  Anguish happens.  If you want more joy, if you don’t want to be laying on your death bed thinking the scale tips toward disappointment, then you have to do something about it. You have to create it.

Me2:     You’re a self-righteous bitch.  What you’re suggesting is I laugh more, I make more friends, I seek out moments of happiness and enjoyment, I see the positive side.  Oh good God, that means making an effort.  And I’m tired.  You know that.

Me:        Get off your ass.  Do it now.  I don’t want to linger in the shadows with you.

OK so all of this happened in about two minutes.  Most of it while brushing my teeth watching Sam trying to lay flat under the sheets so I wouldn’t see him.  My God, I remember doing that with my mother.  In Oklahoma.  In the bedroom she grew up in.  The beginning of her life story which I would know nothing about.

Today my almost ex-husband decided to scrap the dissolution we’ve been working two years on.  For a marriage he desperately wanted to end, he can’t seem to let it go.  And that little bit of anguish will continue.

Tomorrow I’m going to a 5 year old birthday party.  I’m going to solidify friendships with these new people in my life.  I’m going to laugh really hard and leave my phone number with at least one other mom to set up a play date.  I really don’t want my life burdened by anguish.  I don’t want to leave that model for my children.

When I die on my big adventure in the desert, I want my kids to know I was laughing.